A Mage's Journey
by shynerdylady
Summary: The trials and tribulations of life, love and loss through the eyes of a young mage named Kaiya Amell. On-going story. Mainly focused on my PC from Dragon Age and altered storyline from the game. Rated M just in case. I hope you all like it!
1. Chapter 1

Kaiya stood at a window in one of the many, twisting halls of the Circle Tower. She looked out at the glistening water of the Lake Calenhad, sighing as she thought of how it would feel against her skin. Would the water be cold? Or warm, having basked in the sun all day long? She had learned to swim as a child, before she was taken from her older brother to the Circle. He had taught her in the same lake she looked down upon then, only miles to the north.

She had been raised by her older brother, Dairen. Their parents died whilst traveling to Denerim, murdered and robbed of all their goods. Dairen was a skilled blacksmith and had managed to keep their home and raise his baby sister with his trade. She was only 6 years old. That was also when she discovered her talent for magic. The Templars came for her not even days later.

Footsteps coming up the hall interrupted her memories. She turned her head, frightful to see who it would be. She was often reprimanded for staring out of the windows. Knight-Commander Greagoir would scold her, "_It's a world not for you, and it's a waste of time to dwell upon it."_ The Knight- Commander's voice echoed against the walls of her skull and light scowl to her face. She'd often argued back that if it_ indeed_ was a world unfit for mages, then why did they build windows for them to look out of? She'd storm off with the retort, "_To remind us we are not good enough to be a part of the world, just it's prisoners."_

She didn't always think this extremely on the topic, but she ached to be free of the stone walls that surrounded her entire life.

A Templar by the name of Cullen showed himself to be the owner of the approaching footsteps. He caught sight of Kaiya and paused, not expecting to see anyone in the hallway. She smiled, thankful it wasn't Greagoir or Wynne come to usher her away.

"Hello Cullen," she greeted him warmly.

"Oh um, hello, Kaiya," Cullen replied, his words unsteady.

"I hope you are well?" she asked, turning from the window to face him. She nervously clutched her hands together in front of herself as she smiled to him.

Cullen could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks at the sweetness in her voice. He had to use all of his willpower to keep them from flushing a crimson red. "I am. As are you, I hope?" he managed.

She could see he looked uncomfortable but didn't act on it. "I am."

They stood for a moment, their pause filling the air. Cullen nervously broke the silence. "I was just making my rounds of the tower. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"You aren't disturbing me. Really, I'm glad you weren't the Knight-Commander, or Wynne. They would be scolding me blind for wandering the halls," she said sadly. She suddenly grew apprehensive and shot him a worried look, "you won't mention you saw me here, will you?"

He felt bad at her wide-eyed question and shook his head, "oh, no. I won't," he smiled to her. "It's a bit silly, I think. Being reprimanded for looking outside."

"I, agree... but I understand my place," Kaiya said promptly. She bit her lip at her words. "I'm sorry, Cullen. I'll return to the dormitory," she bowed her head before rushing passed him back down the hall.

Before he could protest she was gone. He'd turned in time to see the ends of her robes fluttering behind her as she disappeared around the corner. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed it roughly. He looked back down the hall where she had run, recalling how she had looked that day. She wore blue robes, her hair tied up in a matching colored ribbon. She'd looked as lovely as she always did, he sighed to himself.

"Maker, give me strength," he said aloud to the empty hallway, shaking his head as if to shake away the memory of her. He turned and continued his rounds of the tower.

Kaiya couldn't hide the silly grin on her face at the fluttering of her heart as she hurried down the steps to the lower floors of the tower. The Maker had favored her, she joked to herself, having had the one Templar in all of the Circle that would turn their head at her dalliance be the one to find her daydreaming away. Her smile widened as she thought on the awkwardness of his words to her. It was obvious to her he'd been sweet on her. It chilled her to think someone thought on her that way; that it was Cullen that thought on her that way.

"Kaiya!" Wynne called to her as she caught site of the girl almost skipping back to the apprentice dormitories.

Kaiya paused just before the door and turned to face her teacher. She stood tall and walked to the elder mage, "yes, Enchanter?"

"You've been gone a while... where have you been?" Wynne asked with a hand on her hip.

"I was reading in the library," Kaiya lied. She hoped Wynne hadn't been in the library just then...

The white-haired woman peered at the obedient apprentice, knowing that was probably not the truth. Kaiya carried no books or scrolls. But she decided not to press the matter. "Doing your assignments, for once?" she smirked.

Kaiya smiled back. "Yes, Enchanter."

"We'll need to test the knowledge gained, then," Wynne stated as she relaxed her arms at her sides and turned to leave her student. "Go and get ready for supper."

"Yes, Enchanter," Kaiya bowed her head respectfully before turning back to do as she was told. She closed her eyes and sighed, quietly relieved Wynne didn't question her obvious fib. The Maker favored her this day, indeed, she smirked as she pushed open the door to her dormitory.


	2. Chapter 2

The noise of the dining hall invaded Kaiya's ears as she approached it for dinner that evening. Her eyes darted to the usual spot where she sat for supper, her friends Jowan, Celia and Tarin already beginning their meals. The smell of mashed potatoes and pork roast teased her hunger. She loved mashed potatoes. She placed a hand on Jowan's shoulder as she sat down next to him. "Hey. How's the roast?"

"Dry, as always," he dark haired man greeted her glumly.

"Mmm, my favorite," Kaiya licked her lips as she settled into her seat and picked up her fork to serve herself.

There were 4 dining tables that almost ran the length of the hall itself, seating about 40-50 people per side. There were two cooks and a few elven servants that worked in the kitchens of the Circle Tower. The capacity of mages in the Circle currently only filled up about one and a half of the long tables, giving the cooks a bit of a break in the kitchen.

Celia, Kaiya's Elven bunk-mate, laughed as she shook her head, "you are the _only_ person I have ever met that likes when the roast is over-cooked."

"I can't stand fat on meat. Makes me gag just thinking about it, blehhh," Kaiya grimaced at the thought of it as she piled three slices of meat onto her plate.

While the four settled into one another's company, Cullen walked through the entry-way of the dining hall and headed over to the table of Templar's to his left. So far only three Templar's, Ulic, Evan and Stefan sat chuckling over something one of them had said.

Celia's eye had caught Cullen's arrival. An evil smile turned up the side of her mouth as she looked back down at the potatoes on her plate. "There's Kaiya's _boyfriend_," she teased.

Jowan and Tarin turned their heads to watch as Cullen took his seat with the other Templar's. "Ah. Cullen," Jowan sighed and went back to his dinner.

Kaiya's lips pursed in mild embarrassment but she didn't say anything as she spooned some potatoes onto her plate. Her eyes were slits as she glared up at Celia.

"What!" Celia exclaimed in a whisper. "He's _sooo_ in love with you, and you know it," she prodded.

"Don't say such things so carelessly, Celia," Kaiya spoke with bitterness in her voice, "you'll start rumors and we'll get into trouble."

"Oh don't be so serious. I was only joking," Celia frowned at the failure of her humorous remark. She picked up her fork and stabbed a piece of pork roast on her plate.

"She's only upset because she likes him too," Tarin quietly dared to add with a mouthful of food. Kaiya's angry glare quickly found Tarin's eyes which made him look away and continue his meal quietly.

"Cullen!" Ulic greeted him as Cullen took the seat next to him, "how goes it, friend?"

Cullen smiled at Ulic's friendly greeting. "Well, and yourself?"

"Very well indeed. I've heard news there's to be a Harrowing tomorrow," he said excitedly.

He looked to Ulic, confused. He'd heard nothing of the sort from the First Enchanter or any of the other elder mages that day. He also found no joy in Harrowing's and was lightly put off at Ulic's excitement over the matter. "This is good news?"

The Harrowing was a test of will every mage had to endure once deemed ready by the First Enchanter. Essentially, if you passed you lived. If you failed, well, you were disposed of in whatever manner was necessary. That is why Templar's were needed during a Harrowing: to fight whatever abomination occurred if the Harrowing was not a success.

Mages were never told what the Harrowing entailed, and those that had survived it were sworn to never reveal the trials they faced. The Harrowing places the chosen mage in the Fade, where he/she would confront a demon head on and alone. If they resisted possession by the demon encountered, they were allowed to live out their days in the tower and become a mage of the Circle, continuing their studies to possibly one day become enchanters, elders, even First Enchanter if one was deemed a worthy successor.

There was also a choice given to the mage if one did not wish to endure the Harrowing. The Harrowing carried a reputation upheld by dark rumors from generations of frightened apprentices. With never any knowledge on what they were to face, it was sometimes too much to think what unknown test of will awaited the young mage when they were called for their Harrowing. They were given the opportunity to become tranquil. The sapping of their magical ability to some seemed a better fate than what lie ahead of them in their right of passage, so to speak. But it is a great sacrifice, as the mage is then also sapped of all emotion; stripped of all that they were as an individual. The fate of a mage... it was harsh under any circumstance.

Cullen was one of those who felt that way.

"Well yes. It would put us to task, no? It's been some time since anything's happened in this blasted tower," Ulic laughed.

"Have you ever witnessed a Harrowing, Ulic?" Stefan asked coldly. "It's no laughing matter. It's..." the man's eyes swam with memories that the others could only imagine were unpleasant, to say the least.

"No, I haven't. I, I didn't mean any disrespect," Ulic apologized at realizing Stefan and Cullen both looked rather serious at the mention of it. "What is it, exactly?" Ulic asked timidly. "I've never been called to one."

"A mage goes into the Fade and faces a demon head on. If they beat the demon, they are allowed to live. If not, one of us will strike them down. They could return as an abomination, a fight one should never take lightly," Evan explained and fore-warned on Stefan's behalf. Cullen cringed at the sound of it all.

First Enchanter Irving entered the dining hall accompanied by Wynne and Uldred, elder mages and advisors to himself. The three approached Jowan, Kaiya, Celia and Tarin. Cullen's eyes followed them intently as they neared the four apprentices. His concern for Kaiya mounted inside of him. It was solidified beneath his breast as he watched the First Enchanter place a hand on Kaiya's shoulder.

"Child, may we have a word?" Irving looked down at the four young mages before him. His eyes moved to meet Kaiya's, "we have news for you."

Kaiya paused her chewing as she looked up at the First Enchanter, "news?" She swallowed, "is something wrong?"

"No, no dear. This is about your Harrowing," Irving smiled, hoping to ease her worries.

"Oh. Oh," she repeated, realizing Irving had spoke of her Harrowing. "I am to have my Harrowing, First Enchanter?"

"Yes, child. After dinner, please come see me in my office." He pat her shoulder gently, smiling to the other apprentices before heading off to his seat at the head of the dining hall.

Wynne leaned down to Kaiya's ear and whispered, "do not fear, dear. You will be fine," she comforted her student as she then followed in Irving's wake. Uldred had continued on behind Irving without a word or glance to any of them.

"Can you believe it?" Jowan elbowed Kaiya, "you're to have you're Harrowing already? You just passed your third exams!"

Kaiya looked blankly down at the plate of food in front of her, unable to stifle her sudden worry. She had no idea what the Harrowing entailed. But she did know that some mages didn't return. Despite her ignorance on the matter, she was excited to have been chosen to finally take hers. It meant Wynne, her mentor, thought her ready and powerful enough to be tested in her abilities. But would they be enough to get her through it?

"Already?" Celia said quietly.

"Are you alright?" Tarin asked Kaiya, the only one taking in the blank expression on Kaiya's face.

She looked up at him, blinking herself back to reality. "I'm fine. I, just didn't expect it to be so soon," she admitted.

"Well, you better prepare yourself for anything," Jowan said, biting into a piece of meat.

Knight-Commander Greagoir marched into the dining hall, followed by a few other Templars. He paused near Cullen and others, the Templars with him walking passed and taking their seats farther down the table. "Cullen," Greagoir spoke his name roughly, "I need you to accompany me to the First Enchanter's office after dinner."

"Yes, Knight-Commander," Cullen nodded. Greagoir nodded his approval, then went to sit with Irving and the others. Cullen's eyes immediately darted to Kaiya. He had feared he would be chosen as the Templar to attend her Harrowing; the Templar to strike her down if necessary. He looked to the table and felt his heart sink into the pit of his stomach.

"Oh, Greagoir's just talked to Cullen," Celia pointed out to the others. "Does that mean... do you think he'll be there, then?" her voice was a quiet whisper as she realized what she was saying. The four of them knew Templars were selected to be a part of every Harrowing. The foreboding nature of the Templars when a mage didn't return from a Harrowing spoke volumes of the possible reasons why Templars were made to be present.

Kaiya couldn't help but turn her head to look at him. She could see he looked pensive, and guessed Celia was right.

A secret hope that Cullen may have thought on her surfaced as she briefly looked on at him. She had caught him gazing at her a few times; she'd met his eye more then once in the library, at dinner, and in passing. He always smiled when they'd encountered one another. And he would always take the little time they had to talk with her when he could, asking about her studies and what not. Definitely something she'd never seen any of the other Templars do with any of the other apprentices.

He had reddish-blond hair, a little curly and neatly groomed short, militant. He kept a goatee as well, it also trimmed short and clean cut. His eyes were a light brown, and the kindest she had ever looked upon, now that she thought about it. His jaw was broad and his angular cheekbones gave him an air of strength. She found him undeniably handsome. Despite the news of her Harrowing lingering in the air around her, her heart felt light in her chest as she looked upon him across the dining hall.

Her thoughts on him were enough to send her nerves into overdrive. The daydream of it all began to frighten her. It was forbidden for a mage to have feelings for anyone, let alone a Templar. If word of such thoughts were heard by anyone, heard by a Templar...

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Kaiya said as she pushed away her plate and laid her hands in her lap. The others looked to one another and granted her request, eating the remainder of their meals in silence.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaiya stood before Irving sitting at his desk, Wynne at her side as they awaited the arrival of Greagoir and his chosen Templar.

"I think you will fair well, Kaiya," Irving spoke kindly. "You are one of the most promising mages I have seen in my days here at the Circle," he complimented her.

Kaiya bowed her head, "thank you, First Enchanter." Her voice, as much as she tried, didn't hide her discomfort at the situation at hand. Irving noticed this and smiled to her. She smiled a polite smile back.

"It isn't pleasant, I will admit-" Irving began. He was interrupted by the arrival of Greagoir, Cullen, and another man none of them recognized. Irving's brow furrowed as he looked to the newly arrived gentlemen. "Who is this man, Greagoir?"

Greagoir stopped at Irving's side and spoke, "this is Duncan, Irving. Commander of the Grey Warden's."

Duncan bowed halfway, "it is an honor, First Enchanter."

Irving, along with Kaiya and Wynne had all raised their eyebrows in momentary surprise at Duncan's introduction. Irving immediately returned Duncan's bow in kind, "an honor for the Circle as well, Duncan. What brings you to us, if I might ask?"

"I have news of war, First Enchanter. I apologize I've come unannounced. Time has not permitted me the luxury of proper etiquette."

Kaiya stood surprised that a Grey Warden was there at the Circle, let alone in the room with her. She'd read many a story about the order and it's legendary warriors; every race coming together to quell the darkspawn and the Blight's that they wreaked across the lands. She'd also read about mages that had become Grey Wardens, too. Some of the greatest, she recalled. Her interest in Duncan grew ten fold as her memories of who they were and what they represented filled her thoughts.

"Well, this is an inopportune time, but war seems to always call when least expected," Irving looked to Kaiya. "My dear I apologize, but we will have to discuss your Harrowing at a later date," he spoke regretfully.

"It's alright, First Enchanter," Kaiya nodded. She couldn't help but look to Duncan. She noted the sword at his back, and the twisted dagger at his hip. He was dark skinned with long black hair held up in a pony tail. He was bearded and his eyes were sharp and golden brown. He definitely didn't look like anyone she'd ever seen before. Perhaps he wasn't from Ferelden, she thought as she took him in.

"My apologies," Duncan looked to Kaiya, seemingly genuine in his words. "I did not mean to disrupt your Harrowing."

"I understand. There is no need for an apology," Kaiya assured him.

"You may return to your dormitory, Kaiya," Wynne said, lightly rushed to be rid of her to find out why the Commander of the Grey was at the Circle. Kaiya got the hint and headed out of the office.

"You may go as well, Cullen," Greagoir dismissed the Templar.

Cullen bowed to the room, turned, and followed Kaiya out of the office, closing the door quietly behind him.

Kaiya surprised him as she spun around on him, excitement gleaming in her eyes. "A Grey Warden! Do you think he's here to recruit some of us to fight against the darkspawn?"

Cullen almost laughed at the sheer happiness in her voice. "I don't know, Kaiya. It's possible," he shrugged. Her excited smile made him smile. "Are you _that _excited to ever fight such a foe?"

"Well, of course!" she boasted. "To have a chance to actually _use_ my abilities? To help people? Heh, to get out of this blasted tower," she smirked, "of course I would. Why, wouldn't you?" she asked him.

Cullen thought for a moment. He too, at times, felt trapped there in the tower. "If it was asked of me, I would go willingly," his sense of duty filled in for his emotions.

Kaiya shifted her weight and crossed her arms. "Yes of course you would," she sounded bored with his answer.

His brow lifted. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing... I," she began, but stopped. She looked to him earnestly. "Don't you ever want to be free of this place?"

He looked to her to see she was asking him from the place inside of her that wanted dearly to be free of the Circle. He felt for her as he took the opportunity to see into her eyes, to see the emotion of being forced to live your life under someone else's rules and regulations. He'd made a choice to serve the Maker and live in the tower as a Templar. She wasn't given one.

"There are times, when I wonder if I made the right choice," he admitted.

Kaiya was surprised to hear him say that. In previous conversations they had had, he'd never hinted at being unhappy as a Templar. Even though she just asked and questioned his resolve, she still expected him to remain dutiful in response. She uncrossed her arms and laced her fingers together in front of her. As she looked upon Cullen now, she could see that his resolve was possibly a cover for a deep sadness, even regret, at the vows he'd taken.

"Really?" she asked, curious and concerned.

"I... I shouldn't have said anything," he looked away from her, afraid to express anymore of his feelings. Especially _right _outside of the First Enchanter's office. "We should go-" he turned to leave but was stopped by Kaiya's hand on his arm.

"Cullen wait, please," she lightly pleaded, "I, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry. I am outspoken when I shouldn't be," her eyes searched his. "Don't go."

He felt his body temperature begin to rise at the feel of her hand on his arm. He looked to her hand on his arm and admired how soft her skin looked. He wished he could take her hand in his and feel if it felt as he imagined.

Kaiya could see his gaze to her touch and, fearing she'd gone to far took back her hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to grab you. I just didn't want you to go away upset," her voice was tinged with regret at making him think on thing's she had no right to make him dwell upon.

He looked to her strange, amber colored eyes and couldn't resist the words that fought against his tongue. "Kaiya, you could never upset me." He found her care for his feeling's filled him with a happiness he had never felt before.

Kaiya heard the emotion in his voice and knew his words came from a deeper place than just flirty banter or friendly conversation. She didn't know what to say as she looked up at him. He always looked to her with such care. Never did she see the hungry look in his eyes that she saw in many of the other men in the Circle, Mage or Templar.

Cullen could see he had her full attention now and his nerves mounted. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, but he knew it was forbidden. Never could a man be with a Mage, the man being a Templar absolutely out of the question. The Chantry would have their heads. Kaiya would be killed...

"This isn't right," he said matter-of-factually.

"What isn't, Cullen?" Kaiya took a small step closer.

He sighed a frustrated sigh. Her standing so close conflicted every fiber of his being. He wanted to hold her in his arms as much as he wanted to push her away run from her.

"I, feel so strongly for you I think it could tear me apart," he finally admitted. He looked into her eyes, "I've never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life."

Kaiya's eyes widened for a split second, his words totally surprising her. She had a feeling he thought on her, but she didn't know he felt as he had just admitted. It was flattering, beyond flattering and filled her with joy. "Cullen, I-"

"I know we could never be. I just... I want you to know how wonderful you are. How beautiful and lovely you are," he complimented. He looked away, chuckling to himself, "you must think me a complete fool," he feared she would find his confession ridiculous.

Kaiya smiled to him. "No. Not at all," she said sweetly. "Cullen, I... I find myself feeling the same for you," she brushed some of her hair behind her ear. "You're the first man to ever treat me as a woman, and not just a mage. And you always talk to me and treat with true kindness."

Never in a million years did he think she could ever feel the same as he did. He looked to her, dumb-founded. "What? You, what?" was all he could say as he took in what she said.

Kaiya blushed. "You are handsome, Cullen. I guess I didn't realize it, but I've definitely thought so since you'd first arrived here, at the Circle," she admitted.

"You have?" his excitement threw the words out of his mouth. She nodded, and he couldn't contain his joy at her words. "I, I never thought-" he stuttered. He looked down at her, his heart floating beneath his breast. "I never imagined you might feel the same for me. Not ever."

Kaiya was about to speak when the door to the First Enchanter's office creaked open. The two jumped, startled by the noise. To Kaiya's surprise, Cullen suddenly turned from her and began to walk away down the hall. She was frozen in place as she watched Cullen's back as he trotted off down the hall without a word to her.

"We'll be-" Irving paused when he saw Kaiya standing at the door, "oh, Kaiya. What are you still doing up here?" he could see Wynne squinting at her over Irving's shoulder. She had to think quick.

"Um, I, uhhh, I was, curious! About Duncan. Forgive me," Kaiya bowed her head. "I had hopes I could speak with him, about the Grey Wardens?" she did her best to hide the surprise and emotion in her voice from her previous conversation with a disappeared Templar.

"The Grey Warden's?" Irving asked, a light amusement in his voice.

"Yes. I've heard tales of the mages of the order and, I hoped Duncan might oblige my curiosity?" Kaiya looked up to the mages, Templar and Grey Warden before her.

Duncan nodded with a small smile. "I'd be happy too."Wynne looked disappointed as she looked from Duncan to her young apprentice. She knew there was something else going on, she could sense it.

"Very well, then," Irving shrugged. "Thank you Duncan, for entertaining our apprentice," he looked back to Kaiya. "Show the Commander to his quarters. He is in the room down the hall, just before the library. After that, go to your dormitory. We'll speak with you about your Harrowing first thing tomorrow morning," Irving instructed.

"Thank you, First Enchanter," Kaiya nodded. She looked to Duncan who stepped around Irving, and the two headed down the hall together to the room Irving indicated.

"I'd like to apologize again for my interruption," Duncan looked to Kaiya.

"Oh, there is no need, Commander," Kaiya waved a hand as if to shoo away his words. "I must thank you for letting me accompany you to ask you a few questions."**  
**"Of course," Duncan smiled.

Kaiya looked back over her shoulder. She looked passed Irving, Greagoir and Wynne talking outside of Irving's office where Cullen had hurried off too. Her heart ached to know there was someone who thought on her the same as she thought on him only to know they could never be. She held back the threat of tears and thought of the Grey Warden at her side, hoping he would prove a successful distraction.

Cullen had practically ran down the stairs to the first floor. He paused in a doorway, leaning against it to catch his breath as he thought on what Kaiya had said to him. He was in shock.

He cursed inside. How could the one thing he desired most, that desired him as well, be the very thing he could never have? It seemed an evil trick, or joke played on him by the Maker. He immediately shook away the thought and sought forgiveness for the rash implications. The Maker did all he could to make his people happy. It wasn't the Maker who drove his heart to her, he tried to reason with himself. But the Maker did make her the most ravishing woman on the Earth. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. This was too much for him to think about.

"Andraste, keep me strong," Cullen quietly asked the air around him. He pulled himself from the wall and continued his way back to the barracks.


End file.
